


Words and Music

by PezzieCoyote



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dani wants her family to be happy, Emotional Whump, I love LDP so much, In Denial Gil, JT is a Good Friend, Jessica isn't oblivious, M/M, Malcolm Bright Needs a Hug, Oblivious Gil, Oblivious Malcolm, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Struggling with sexual identity, Tom too, Unresolved Romantic Tension, angst so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24610000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PezzieCoyote/pseuds/PezzieCoyote
Summary: Takes place following 1x20 Like Father... The aftermath of Endicott's death takes a turn nobody expected. It just might lead to Malcolm dealing with a broken heart.
Relationships: Gil Arroyo/Malcolm Bright
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

This is my first foray into the Prodigal Son fandom as a writer. Please read and comment.   
***

It was a long day and an even longer night. The fact that he watched his baby sister kill a man was almost enough to make him reach for a bottle of his mother's most expensive champagne. When the police got there, that, coupled with the warrants out on Endicott and the threats he'd made, as well as ordering Gil stabbed, was enough that Ainsley was cleared of murder. As it was, she would be spending 24 hours in a psychiatric facility for as assessment, but still, she wasn't in a jail cell. 

Malcolm comforted her as best he could. He recognized how stress could make a person repress their memories. Meeting Sophie Sanders... he'd remembered her and felt gratified that he'd actually met her and apologized, although she absolved him of his guilt. He was only a child then. And Sophie was alive and well, even if Eve wasn't.

Adolpho stopped the car in front of the hospital, allowing Malcolm an easy trot into the building. After stepping off the elevator, he headed towards the waiting area, expecting to see his mother. His approach got her attention.

"Darling, you're here."

He nodded, sitting beside her. "How is he?"

Jessica sighed. "He's stable. Still unconscious." She paused a moment. "What happened after you left?"

Malcolm ran a hand through his hair. "Oh my god, you have no idea. Ainsley told me to come home. She was there. So was Endicott."

Jessica froze. "What did he do to her?"

"He says he didn't do anything but I could see she was terrified. He said we were there for a 'family meeting'."

Rage flickered behind Jessica's eyes. "I could kill him!" she hissed.

"There's no worry about that anymore, mother."

Confusion coated Jessica's features. "What are you talking about?"

Malcolm sighed again, leaning back in the uncomfortable chair. "He threatened dad, me, Ainsley, you. Gloated about possibly killing Gil." Tears ran down Bright's face. "Ainsley snapped, mother. She slit his throat and stabbed him in the chest several times."

"What?" she whispered, horrified. 

Malcolm turned to his mother, noticing her tears and ruined makeup. "She didn't know what happened. I called the station and they came to investigate and take Endicott's body, but... she's in Manhattan Psychiatric Hospital for an assessment. I don't think she'll be charged though."

"Oh sweet lord," Jessica muttered. "At least you're both okay." She pulled him into her embrace. Once they parted, Jessica pulled out her compact and went about righting her makeup. "Are you going to go see him?"

Malcolm hesitated. "I want to. I just..."

Jessica looked at her son, concern and love in her eyes. "When are you going to tell him how you feel?"

Malcolm felt the blood in his face drain out of his face. He looked at his mother with something akin to horror. But she just rubbed his arm, her expression caring and accepting.

"Sweetheart, you may be a profiler but you can't hide your feelings for him. I've known for a long time. Just wondering why it's taken you so long."

He laughed bitterly. "He doesn't think of me that way, mother. He still thinks of me as that little boy..."

"Wrong. I can see it in his eyes too."

Malcolm's eyes conveyed a dozen different emotions, at least to Jessica's eyes. She saw disbelief, confusion, wariness, and most of all, hope. She'd hoped Malcolm and Gil both would get their heads out of their asses and realize what they meant to each other. Gil's near-death experience should push her son towards the older man. 

Finally, Jessica stood up, her makeup once again perfect. She reached down and took Malcolm's hand in hers and walked them both to Gil's room, which was private since Jessica waved around some Milton money. 

Malcolm was struck by how pale Gil was. He was darker skinned because of his heritage but he looked so damn pale, like porcelain. Jessica moved her son around the bed to sit in the chair next to it. He looked at his mother as she started to leave the room.

"You aren't staying?"

She smiled warmly, "No, darling. You need to be here for him, tell him how you feel. You'll both be better off for it. Besides, I'm sure I need to speak to the police. And I must check on Ainsley." She flicked his hair a little and left a kiss on his head. "When I get back, I better see the both of you doing better, physically for him, and emotionally for both of you."

With one last smile, Jessica left the room. Malcolm turned his attention to the man on the bed in front of him. His eyes teared up at seeing him lying there. He carefully picked up Gil's hand, cradling it in both of is.

"God, Gil." His head dropped briefly. "I almost lost you. My mother saved you. I think she's saved us both. Please come back to me, Gil. I love you, I always have."

**

Malcolm was once again at Gil's bedside. It had been a week and he hadn't woken up yet. He was worried. Gil hadn't sustained a head injury, so why wouldn't he just wake up? He wanted to talk to Gil, tell him how he felt. He wanted him to know that Endicott was no longer a threat, tell him about Ainsley. 

Malcolm rested his head against his hands that held Gil's hand. He jerked up when he thought he felt Gil's hand move. 

"Gil?"

There was no movement. Malcolm's hope-filled eyes looked at the man's face, looking for any sign. Finally he let out a deep breath as he shut his eyes. He felt tears building but let go of Gil's hand to wipe them away. 

A groan drew his gaze, elation filling the younger man as the Lieutenant's eyes opened. His eyes jumped all over the room, unfocused, before landing on Malcolm. 

"Hey, Gil. So good to see those eyes."

Gil didn't speak. He looked around the room again, eyes landing on his hand in Malcolm's hand, gently jerking his hand away. Hurt filled Malcolm at the action, but he tried to disregard it. 

Gil tried to speak but his throat and voice was hoarse from disuse. He cleared his throat, coughed, then tried again.

"Who are you?"

Malcolm's mouth opened and closed several times, confusion rampant. "Gil, i-it's Malcolm. You know me."

"Sorry, but I don't even know who I am."


	2. Chapter 2

Malcolm sat outside Gil's room, head in his heads, elbows on his knees when Dani approached him.

"Bright, Gil, is he...?"

Malcolm glanced up. "He's alive. Awake. Doesn't remember anything though."

Dani slid into the seat next to him. "That tends to happen with trauma–"

"No, I mean he doesn't remember anything. Not even his name."

Dani was struck silent. She literally had no idea what to say.

"I can't lose him, Dani. I just can't." He started to tear up, his voice cracking. "I don't know what I'll do."

"Hey, Bright, come here."

She pulled Malcolm to her, wrapping her arms around him, rubbing his back. When they pulled apart, Malcolm wiped at his eyes. 

"He's going to be fine," Dani said confidently. "He'll be back with us in no time. You have to trust that."

Malcolm shook his head as if she didn't understand. "I know that but I mean... I love him. I'm in love with him." He waited for Dani's shock but there was nothing, so he turned to look at her, surprised that her expression didn't change. "My mother, of all people, convinced me to tell him how I feel for him. I was going to tell him as soon as he woke up. Then he didn't wake up and a week later, he has amnesia."

"My statement stands. He'll be fine. He'll get his memory back, he'll remember you and remember that he loves you too."

Malcolm's eyes were wide. 

"Neither of you are subtle," Dani told him, leaning back. "When Watkins took you, I don't think I've ever seen him so broken up. Not even when his wife died."

The profiler had no idea how to respond to that. A moment later, Gil's doctor came over. 

"You can come in now, Mr Bright."

In the room, Malcolm's face lit up at seeing Gil, who looked back at him blankly, but with curiosity as well. 

"Gil, this is–"

"Dani." He grinned. "I remember you."

Malcolm blinked rapidly. He remembered Dani but not him?

Dani approached the bed and took Gil's hand. "I'm so glad you're okay. You know, except for your memory."

"A lot of things have come back to me. I remember the job, you–" gesturing to Dani– "JT, Edrisa. I remember Jackie, I remember being a beat cop. I don't understand why I don't remember you," Gil concluded, pointing to Malcolm. 

Malcolm felt his teeth grinding together hard, in an effort to suppress the tears he felt in his throat. He swallowed several times and frantically blinked his eyes. 

"So who are you?"

Malcolm lost the battle with his tears, feeling the drops flow down his cheeks. He reached up to wipe his face.

"You don't remember him, Gil?" Dani asked softly. "Nothing?"

Gil shook his head no. 

"This is Malcolm Bright. He's a Harvard-trained criminal profiler."

Gil slowly shook his head. 

"He worked with the FBI for ten years before coming back to New York," Dani continued, choosing her words carefully. "He is formerly known as Malcolm Whitly."

Arroyo's eyes widened. "You're the Surgeon's son."

Malcolm nodded silently. 

"You said Bright though. Bright is–"

"Jackie's maiden name. I changed my name to distance myself from my father. Plus, I wanted to have a career that wasn't influenced by him."

"I understand that. I just... I'm confused. I remember everyone but not you. I don't..." Gil ran a hand through his messy hair, a gesture that made Malcolm's throat ache.

Malcolm stood stock still while Dani sat in the chair next to the bed. He didn't know what to do now. It's like Gil's memory just lifted adult Malcolm from his mind. How was he supposed to feel about that?

The profiler was lost in his own thoughts when Dani called his name. 

"I need to get back to the station okay?" She stood and neared him. "You going to be okay?"

He just nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment. She hugged him again and whispered to him. It will be okay. Believe that. He said that he'd try. 

"Go, sit. Talk. Something might jog his memory of you."

Bright nodded dumbly, watching the woman leave the room. He just stood there though, looking anywhere but at Gil. 

"So, uh," Gil began.

"So."

Gil sighed heavily. "Okay look. It's obvious we know each other as adults. You said you went to Harvard and worked for the FBI?"

Malcolm nodded. "I did. They fired me. I was talking down a subject, the local sheriff shot him anyways. The bureau blamed me and fired me. I think they were just looking for an excuse. Anyways, I moved back to the city after that. Then you contacted me about a series of murdered that mimicked my father's."

Gil held Malcolm's gaze a few moments longer before turning his head, looking at nothing, but his expression was saying he was searching his memory for that case.

"I don't remember that case."

Then Malcolm started to list off some of the cases he'd worked with the team on. Gil didn't remember a single one of them.

"But we've been in contact over the years. I was there for you when Jackie died. Stayed with you, helped you function. You were at my graduation from Harvard. You taught me to drive, Gil."

Gil looked up at Malcolm, despair in his dark eyes. But he said nothing, just dropping his gaze to the bed again. 

"You remember being stabbed?" the profiler asked quietly.

The older man nodded. "Endicott, yeah. He didn't do it but he ordered it. Was right there. I was there to..." he trailed off. "I don't know why I was there."

Malcolm swallowed and took a deep breath. "My mother was there. She was in danger and you went there to get her out."

Gil swung his gaze to Malcolm's.

"She saw you get stabbed. One of Endicott's men threw you into a car trunk and was going to.... dispose of your body," Bright felt tears form in his eyes again. "My mother stopped him, rammed his car with yours, got you out and brought you here."

"Your mother..."

"Jessica. Jessica Whitly."

Malcolm summoned the strength to near Gil's bed, sitting in the chair Dani had vacated. He reached out for the older man's hand but thought better of it. He had no right now. He didn't even know Malcolm anymore. Unbidden, tears trailed down over his cheeks but he hastily wiped them away.

"I... don't understand. Why you're so emotional. I'm sorry if that seems insensitive, but..."

Malcolm wiped at his face again after grabbing some of the cheap hospital tissues. "Oh Gil. You have no idea how important you are to me. I wish you could remember."

Gil looked uncomfortable but said, "You and me both."

"Kid."

"What?"

"You call me kid. Or city boy."

Gil tried again. "You and me both. Kid."

Malcolm offered him a watery smile. "Yeah, you have the words, not the music."

Gil looked stunned. "How did you–"

Malcolm's eyes took on a faraway look. "Jackie used to always say that to me. Whenever I felt lost, she'd tell me to let it out. When I only half-assed it, she would always tell me, Malcolm, love, you have the words, not the music." He deflated. "I miss her."

"You really knew her?" Gil looked bewildered.

Bright nodded. "I called the police, when I was 10. They sent you. I told you to take out your gun because my father was going to kill you. He was arrested that night. He was the Surgeon. After that, my mother dove into the bottle to cope, so a lot of the time, me and Ainsley would stay with you and Jackie. When she died, it broke my heart. I loved her so much."

Gil nodded, tears rimming his eyes. He wiped at his face. "I just don't get it. I remember everyone, except you and apparently, your mother."

"Be thankful you don't remember my father," Malcolm quipped.

The men looked at each other and actually chuckled. 

"He's that bad?"

Malcolm leaned back in the chair. Talking about cases seemed to be the safest route right now.

"He killed 23 people. He would have killed you that night."

Gil's eyes were unfocused, obviously searching his memories but finding nothing pertaining to the Surgeon. "I don't understand why I don't remember."

The profiler sighed again. "The brain is a tricky thing. There's so much about it that we don't know. I have no idea why you don't remember me or my family, I wish I did. I can only hope you eventually do remember."

"And if I don't?" Gil's gaze was steady on the younger man.

Malcolm forced back his emotions. "If you don't, I guess we both will just have to live with it."


	3. Chapter 3

Malcolm didn't want to go home to an empty loft (sorry, Sunshine), so he instead ended up at the Milton estate. His mother was pleasantly surprised to see her son, but her smile dropped upon seeing his saddened face.

"What happened dear? Please don't tell me he rejected you."

Jessica led Malcolm to the couch, offering him some drink or another, to which he refused.

"He doesn't remember me, mother. He remembers Dani and JT and Jackie and everything else, but for some reason, he doesn't remember me, you, Ainsley or Dad. Doesn't remember any of the cases we've worked on in the last year either."

Jessica was flabbergasted. "Why would his brain just lift you out?"

Malcolm finally accepted a finger of whiskey from his mother. "I have no idea. And why only our family?"

He sighed, running his hand through his already messy hair. He laid the glass on the coffee table and unexpectedly burst into tears. Jessica was stunned as she saw fat tears fall down her son's face. Jessica pulled Malcolm to her and he latched onto her, burrowing into her chest, deep heaving sobs leaving his tired body.

"Darling, it'll be alright. We have to believe that. The one constant in your life for all these years has been Gil. You need to believe that he'll come back."

Malcolm's words were muffled as he spoke. "W-what if– what if I s-still lose him? Survive a s-stabbing and I-I still lose him." The thought made him sob even harder.

Jessica gently extricated herself from Malcolm's embrace, crossing the room and removing something from a desk drawer. She returned to her son's side and put a pill bottle in his hand. 

"You need to take this. It's Lorazepam. You're going to make yourself sick."

Malcolm looked at the bottle, then at his mother, before tossing the bottle on the coffee table. "I don't need to calm down."

Jessica set her jaw and turned Malcolm's face towards her. "You need something because you are this close to vomiting over this rug. You haven't slept in God knows how long. You'll soon end up in the hospital due to exhaustion. Please Malcolm, you need to take care of yourself. I'm down one child, I don't need to be down another."

Malcolm glared at his mother. "Ainsley's not dead."

"I know that, dear, but right now, she's in a psychiatric facility, for killing a man. You are..." she sighed. "You're this close from being in the adjoining room! Please, for the love of God, Malcolm, I can't lose you too!"

Malcolm rubbed his eyes, a sob escaping his throat. "You're right. I know you're right. I just..."

Jessica patted his shoulder. "I know darling, I know. Let's just get you up to bed. Get changed and I'll strap you in."

Malcolm reached out and took the pill bottle. "And I'll take these okay?"

Jessica nodded, satisfied.

**

Malcolm woke up at 6:34 am the next morning. For once he felt well rested. Probably due to the lack of night terrors and the lorazepam he took. He'd been prescribed them before but he didn't like how dopey he felt the next day. But at least, for once, his mind was blissfully clear last night.

He just lay there for a while but didn't remove the restraints in case he fell back asleep but the chance of that was very slim. Instead, his thoughts drifted to Gil, as they usually did.

Oh how he loved that man. He wasn't sure when his feelings for him had changed but it was before he left for college. Part of the reason he left was to determine what his feelings actually were. He needed to figure out if it was glorified hero worship or real feelings. For that reason alone, he swore off dating. Sex, on the other hand, that was something he partook in. He could bury his feelings underneath meaningless sex, but he hadn't lain with anyone, male or female, in a long time.

Except for Eve of course. He truly expected to be alone for the rest of this life. The time with Eve was mainly misdirection. He could have had something with her but it would have ended in disaster. Her being the sister of the girl in the box would have seen to that. It was almost a relief when she ended things. He wished there was a way he could have saved her but Sophie had absolved him of his guilt. Or at least she tried to.

When he was at college, there was a massive amount of guilt that went along with his feelings for Gil, because he loved Jackie. He would sometimes pick up his phone to call her but then he'd remember she was gone.

Malcolm sighed and decided to get ready for the day. To do what, he didn't know. Even though the murder charges have been dropped once they got proof of Endicott's interference with the evidence, he was still on administrative leave and would be for at least another month. The investigation into all of Endicott's dealings would take a while and he had his hand in so many things, it could take months to straighten everything out.

He had offered to help Gil out once he was out the hospital but he'd been reluctant, no doubt on account that he didn't remember Malcolm. But Dani, JT, and Edrisa had vouched for him so Gil had hesitantly agreed. He'd have Adolpho drive him to the hospital when the time came. He had no doubt his mother had already arranged for a cleaning service for Gil's place. Money talked after all.

**

A few days later, Malcolm was helping Gil into his townhouse. His mother's cleaning service was amazing; he could almost pick out his reflection on the floor. Gil didn't notice. Once on the couch, Gil shifted to get more comfortable. His stitches have come out earlier but he still had to take it easy. He's almost did. And didn't that send chills down Malcolm's spine.

Malcolm really wanted to hate Endicott but what would the point be since he was dead. It would be wasted energy. He'd hurt so many people in the short amount of time he'd been in their lives. He'd tried to set Martin up to be killed in prison. He'd charmed and lied his way into Jessica's bed. He'd set Malcolm up for murder. Had Gil stabbed. Turned Ainsley into a killer.

Malcolm tried to calm his mind. It wouldn't help Gil to see him all manic. Instead, he prepared tear for them, setting it on the coffee table a few minutes later.

"What's this?" Gil asked flatly.

"Tea. Some of your good stuff."

Gil took a sip of the tea, making a sound of pleasure at the taste. Malcolm swallowed. The older man placed the cup back on the table and ran a hand through his hair.

"Sorry, I just... I'm finding it difficult to adjust to all of this. You're the Surgeon's son."

Malcolm flinched.

"And you work with me and my team at the NYPD. I'm just at a complete loss."

Malcolm clenched his hands into fists, trying to keep his tremors under control. "How can I help you understand?"

Gil gazed at the younger man for several moments. "I honestly don't know if there's anything you can do."

Malcolm had to stop himself from reacting so emotionally even though he felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart. He stood abruptly and turned away so Gil couldn't see his face. He paced a little, one hand on his hip, the other on his mouth. 

"Why are you acting like this? I don't understand this! At all!"

Malcolm could hear how exasperated and confused Gil was. Turning back, he again sat next to him.

"Okay. I'm telling you this against my better judgment but here it is." He took a deep breath. "Gil, I love you. I have for years. I was finally going to tell you when you woke up but then you didn't remember me."

Malcolm let Gil digest what he just said. Then:

"Get out."

Malcolm was stunned. "What?"

"I need you to leave right now. And never come back."

The profiler felt tears flood his eyes. Gil's expression was dark and dangerous, so Malcolm got up, grabbed his coat, slipped on his shoes and left. It wasn't until he got back to his loft that he let his composure fall as he broke down in tears.


	4. Chapter 4

A week later...

"Hey guys, good to see you."

Gil let Dani and JT into his house. He went back to his couch and picked up the newspaper that his neighbor had so kindly brought to him that morning.

"What did you say to him?" Dani demanded bluntly.

Gil's head popped up, confused at the expressions of disappointment on Dani and JT's faces.

"Say what to whom?" Gil replied, returning to the task at hand, which was 34 down in the newspaper's crossword.

Dani stomped over after removing her shoes and yanked the paper out of his hands and tossed it aside. "Malcolm. What did you do?"

Gil scoffed. "I don't know what his problem is. He said he loved me."

Dani gave him a look that said 'continue'.

"I'm not gay. I still love Jackie."

JT came around the couch before deciding to sit on the loveseat opposite him. "Gil, I don't think I ever wanted to hit you until now. You know I love you man, but you fucked up. You love him just as much but you've been caught up in public perception."

"Perception?" 

Dani sighed. "The fact that you've known him since he was a kid. That he's the Surgeon's son, that you arrested his father and put him away." Her expression could melt steel as she glared at her mentor. "But you were finally going to tell him, do something about it. You didn't say anything but we could see the longing in your eyes."

Gil shook his head. "No. I would never betray Jackie like that."

Dani and JT glanced at each other.

"But Jackie is dead now," Dani reminded him softly. "You were dealing. Things were looking up when Malcolm moved back to New York."

"And you know Jackie would want you to be happy," JT interjected.

Gil was silent for a while, absently stroking his chin. "You're telling me that I'm in love with the Surgeon's son."

JT stood up, pissed. "You need to stop thinking of him as the Surgeon's son. He is Malcolm Bright, criminal profiler. He doesn't want to be anything like his father. He saved your life, Gil. He has done everything in his power to be the opposite of his father. He's helped us so much and proved himself time and time again."

Dani added. "You stopped seeing him as the Surgeon's son. You see him as a man." She paused. "And you do realize that you drove your personal nurse away."

Gil actually chuckled, as did JT. After a few minutes of thinking, Gil spoke up again. "Okay, I can admit I overreacted."

Dani stood and neared her superior, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You need to tell him, not us."

Gil nodded, chagrined. "Can you get a hold of him for me? Ask him to come over? If I call, he might not even answer."

"We can try," JT replied. "But don't be surprised if you end up with radio silence. Plus, he always answers his phone."

Dani stared at Gil for a long moment before sighing and joining JT at the doorway. "I don't know why you don't remember him, but get to know him again. He's a great guy. He goes above and beyond for those he loves and for the case. Just get to know him. You won't be sorry."

Gil nodded silently as the two left.

**

"Still no answer?" JT asked.

"No, that's what worries me." Dani knew that no matter what was going on, Malcolm always answered his phone.

"He'd never turn off his phone," JT commented.

"I know," she said as she tried Malcolm's phone again.

"You've reached–"

Dani hung up as JT pulled the car up to Malcolm's building. Dani had her copy of Malcolm's key ready, not even bothering with trying the buzzer. She ran upstairs, JT on her heels. 

"Bright?" she called out once she got inside the door. She gestured for JT to check the bathroom and kitchen, while Dani checked out the bedroom.

"He's not here!" JT called out.

"JT! Quick!"

JT rushed to follow Dani's voice, which he'd never heard so panicked before. He stepped into Malcolm's bedroom to find Dani hovering over a prone figure on the floor. 

"Call EMS, I can't wake him up."

Tarmel pulled out his cell, relayed his badge number to get EMS there asap. "He got a pulse? He breathing?"

"Yeah. Got a pulse. It's slow, too slow."

Dani scanned the area and her blood ran cold to find an empty pill bottle. She grabbed it and noticed the label. Lorazepam. Fuck.

"What'd he take?"

Dani sighed. "Ativan. I don't know how much was in the bottle though."

"Can't have been too long ago if he's still got a pulse."

JT crouched down next to Malcolm, checking his pulse himself. "Dammit Bright, why'd you do this?"

Moments later, EMS arrived, in record time. Dani and JT followed the ambulance to the hospital while Dani called Jessica Whitly.


	5. Chapter 5

"What do you mean, he overdosed?" Jessica cried. 

Dani sighed. "I have a spare key to his place. I couldn't reach him by phone so I went in. Found him unconscious on his floor, an empty bottle of ativan nearby. What other conclusion could I reach?"

Jessica sighed, then dropped into a chair as if all the life was drained out of her. "I didn't know he took the lorazepam with him."

Dani tentatively sat next to Jessica. "I noticed the name on the bottle. It was your medication. When do you think he got them?"

Jessica didn't even hesitate, her eyes straight ahead. "They night Gil woke up and didn't remember Malcolm. He was so upset. Crying. Panicking. In retrospect, I should have just taken one or two from the bottle to give to him. Dammit!" She buried her head in her hands. "He's still alive?"

Dani nodded, noting the tears in her eyes. 

"I can't lose my boy," she whispered through her tears. "Ainsley's in the psych ward. Her life will never be the same. Now Malcolm..."

Dani hesitantly laid a hand on Jessica's shoulder. "Malcolm is strong. I don't think he would–"

**

"–I didn't do this on purpose!" Malcolm repeated. He looked from JT to Dani to his mother and back again.

Malcolm had woken up an hour earlier and had immediately gone on the defensive. Jessica had been asked to leave the room so Malcolm could receive an emergency psych evaluation, at his request. Once Jessica returned, Dani and JT were with her. They were informed that although he was agitated and his anxiety was acting up, he wasn't suicidal. Only then were his wrist restraints removed. He had immediately asked for some water, draining the glass before asking for another, much to everyone's surprise, including Malcolm.

"Look, I may have little self-preservation when it comes to a case, but I'd never try to kill myself."

Dani and JT glanced at each other, then left the room to give mother and son time alone, promising to return another time.

Malcolm sighed, shutting his eyes briefly before muttering. "At least not again."

Jessica's eyes widened as she sat in the ugly chair next to the bed. "What do you mean 'again'?"

Malcolm wiped at his eyes. "I never meant for you to know," he whispered before clearing his throat. "It was after dad went away. I just took a bunch of aspirin. It didn't do anything except give me a bad stomach. I might have been 12."

Jessica's expression softened. She didn't know a whole lot of what was going on in those early years after Martin's arrest. She'd dove headfirst into a bottle and had yet to come out, although she wasn't nearly as bad as she used to be. 

She stood and sat on the edge of the bed, cupping Malcolm's cheek. "What happened darling?"

Malcolm fiddled with the edge of the blanket, one he recognized from his mother's house. 

"I was at Gil's. He didn't understand why I was reacting so emotionally. I blurted out that I love him." The profiler's head dropped down. "He told me to leave and never come back."

Jessica caressed Malcolm's hair, her eyes filled with sorry for her son's suffering. "Oh baby. He didn't mean it. He's just confused right now."

Malcolm scoffed. "I don't know about that. What if he never remembers? What if he doesn't want to?"

"Malcolm, your team were coming to get you when they found you. Apparently, they'd told Gil off for how he's been treating you. He wants to apologize."

Malcolm looked incredulous for a few moments before his face dropped again. "Yeah right."

Jessica felt a streak of anger go through her. "Now you listen to me Malcolm Whitly, you will give that man a chance to say what he needs to say. He's struggling right now. Not only with recovering from a stabbing, which he nearly died from, but you. It takes time to process."

Malcolm's hands shook as he tried to reach for some water. Jessica helped him after giving him a pointed look.

"He is in unknown territory with you. He's read all the files about your father. He knows intellectually who you are, but he doesn't know you emotionally."

"Thanks for closed captioning my ordeal," Malcolm mumbled. 

His mother offered him a small smile.

"How long do I have to be in here?"

Jessica smiled bigger. "As soon as you've dressed I can take you home."

Malcolm sighed in relief. 

"My home," she emphasized.

Bright cautiously climbed out of bed, reaching for the bag of clothes his mother laid on the bed.

"You just want to hover over me," he muttered.

Jessica stopped him from rummaging in the bag. "Darling, I don't think you realize the gravity of the situation. You overdosed. Intentionally or not, you almost died. That would have devastated so many people, especially me." She paused as she fought to hold back her tears. "I don't want to know what it's like to be without you."

Malcolm looked into her eyes and saw her tears, making his chest pang with guilt. He dropped the bag back to the bed. He let her hug him close.

"I'm sorry okay? I didn't try to overdose. My mind has been so chaotic lately, even more so. I didn't realize what I was doing."

Jessica searched her son's eyes before nodding. "Okay, I believe you. But you'll still be staying with me so I can keep an eye on you."

"I would expect nothing less."

****

Gil Arroyo wandered around his house, his mind all scattered. His house was familiar, comfortable but for the first time since he'd owned it, it felt just like that: a house. Not a home. He'd had a home with Jackie but she was gone now. He'd made peace with that. It had been painful but he'd gotten through it. One of his biggest helps through it was apparently Malcolm Whit– Bright.

He couldn't picture himself with someone else. Which is why he was so confused. Malcolm had told him he loved him. JT and Dani, hell, even Edrisa confirmed it. They even said he returned his feelings but hadn't said anything.

Gil picked up his and Jackie's wedding photo. He was so confused. "Why don't I remember him Jackie? Why do I remember everyone else but not him?"

With a sigh, he placed the photo frame back on the mantle. Dani had come by earlier but without Malcolm. Gil was shocked to hear that the man had overdosed. Of course, Gil immediately blamed himself until Dani told him differently, although he wasn't sure just how much of that he actually believed.

He'd never contemplated a relationship with a man before. He could appreciate the aesthetics of a man, could admit a man was good looking but they held no interest for them romantically or sexually. He was flummoxed as to why he'd fall for a man half his age.

With a sigh, he sat back on the couch. The tv was on but he didn't pay any attention. His mind had been muddled since he woke up. It's almost like the world was moving but he was standing still. It was rather disconcerting, a feeling he didn't like one bit.

What if Malcolm was the person he was actually meant to be with? He'd had a lot of good years with Jackie. He'd loved her, been so happy with her. When she died, he'd been devastated. So many people, they didn't find one love, let alone a second.

Suddenly, Gil felt like he couldn't breathe. He glanced around as he clutched at his chest, which felt so tight. His throat felt like it was closing up as he tried to stand. He started to panic even more when he realized he couldn't draw a full breath, so he instinctively reached for his phone. He fell face first to the floor, his vision spotty, his chest constricting. He somehow managed to hit 911 and call out for help before everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6

Here's a longer chapter. I couldn't split it up because it would ruin the flow of things. Enjoy.

*****

When Gil came to, he was in the hospital. His living room didn't have those garish lights and his bed certainly wasn't this uncomfortable. He turned his head to see Dani there, fiddling with her phone. He made a small noise to grab her attention, which it did. She put away her phone and leaned towards him.

"Gil, hey."

She helped him maneuver the bed so he was sitting up.

"What happened?" he rasped.

"You don't remember?"

Gil glanced around the room, his eyes and thoughts everywhere. "Uh, I was just thinking. Suddenly I felt like I couldn't breathe. I fell, I grabbed the phone..."

Dani nodded. "You had a panic attack. You couldn't get a breath and passed out."

Gil laid his head back. "Will this happen again?"

Dani sighed. "There's really no way to know that."

Arroyo just shook his head. "I was thinking about Jackie and how she was the love of my life. Then I wondered if it was possible to have two loves. I wondered about Malcolm. So many people don't get a true love. They rarely get a second chance. But will it be the same if I never remember him?"

Dani felt such sadness for her boss. She initially thought he was just being callous but that just wasn't in his nature. Seeing him now, so lost and confused... and there was really nothing she could do to help him.

"Well," she began, "You didn't have a head injury, so no brain damage. I'm inclined to believe this is a psychological issue."

Gil wiped his eyes and turned his gaze to her.

"Why would my mind block him out?" 

Powell shifted in the chair. "Um, well, JT and I mentioned how perception kept you from making a move on Malcolm."

"I remember."

"It could be that. Or maybe you subconsciously think you're betraying your wife, even though she's gone. Could be that you can't wrap your head around the idea of being in love with a man. I have no idea."

"Maybe, I don't really know."

"Do you have a problem with it being a man? You said you weren't gay."

Another sigh. "I can't accurately answer that right now, since I don't remember him or those feelings. But I don't have a problem with gay people. I never did."

They fell silent for a while.

"I think," Gil said, startling Dani, "that maybe I should talk to Malcolm, once I'm out of here. We need to clear the air between us. Plus, like you said, I should get to know him again."

Dani smiled, "Yes, you should. As soon as the doc comes back, he can release you and I'll bring you home. Then I'll go get Malcolm and bring him over."

"Sounds good."

They talked a little bit about work until the doctor came in and deemed Gil well enough to leave. Dani left the room while Gil changed, then they were on their way.

***

Malcolm was hesitant to enter Gil's house again, given what happened the last time. He understood that Gil was struggling, he got that now but it still hurt how Gil had banished him from his home. He had no idea how to even react right now, so he only offered a smile.

"Thanks for coming by. I know it has to be nerve wracking after what I said to you."

Malcolm toed off his shoes, following the other man into his living room. Gil offered him a seat on the couch, while he sat on the opposite couch. He looked shamed, Malcolm noted. 

The profiler narrowed his eyes. "What changed?"

Gil sighed slightly and sat back on the couch. His expression conveyed his regret. "Dani and JT. They made me see how unfairly I've been treating you."

Malcolm looked skeptical. "Well that's convenient."

Arroyo was taken aback at the response. "Look, I'm sorry for being a jerk to you. Really I am."

Malcolm felt anger bleed through him. "And that's supposed to take away what was said? You banished me from your home, Gil! A home I've been welcomed in since I was 10!"

Gil looked away as Malcolm's voice rose. For the first time, he could see the emotion in the other man's eyes, the devastation.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

Malcolm rose to his feet, pacing around the room some. It was almost a repeat of the last time he was there. Pacing with a hand on his hip and the other on his mouth. Finally he stopped moving.

"You can't say what I want you to say," Malcolm revealed his voice cracking. "I want you to say that you remember me, that you remember your feelings for me, that you... that you love me. But you can't. It's breaking my heart that you don't remember me."

Gil sits with his elbows braced on each knee, his hands gripped together. "I'm sorry, Malcolm," he says as he looks up at the younger man. "I'm sorry that not remembering is causing you so much pain. I truly am."

Malcolm stopped to really look at the other man. He noted dark circles under his eyes, how tired he looked, the tears rimming his eyes. Bright sighed and sat next to Gil. 

"I don't mean to put pressure on you."

"You haven't."

"But I've loved you since before I went to college when I was 18."

Gil was stunned. "How long...?"

"About thirteen years now."

"God."

Gil felt his chest start to tighten again, his breathing going erratic. Malcolm noticed right away.

"Gil? What's... Gil!"

Gil started to pant, his face turning red with the lack of breath he was getting in. 

"Gil, look at me. Come on, look at me."

It seemed to take superhuman effort, but Gil did as Malcolm demanded. 

"Okay, good. Now, breathe with me. Do what I'm doing."

For five minutes, Malcolm helped Gil with his breathing until he could draw a full breath. Then, to his mortification, he broke down in tears. Malcolm didn't hesitate to take the older man in his arms as he cried.

"Hey, it's okay. It was a panic attack. I've had plenty of them. You're okay."

Gil sobbed, clutching at Malcolm's shirt as he tried to get himself under control. Malcolm just held him, offering nonsensical words, which he knew didn't do much of anything but he continued on anyways. 

After about twenty minutes, Gil had composed himself. Malcolm had fetched a cup of coffee for him and a wet cloth to clean over his face.

"I don't know what happened," Gil mumbled, hands covering his face. He took the wet cloth and wiped over his face before laying the cloth on the coffee table.

"Panic attacks are irrational. The slightest thing can set it off. It's not easy to understand when you don't experience it."

Gil was contrite as he met Malcolm's eyes again. "I ended up in the hospital earlier today. I had a panic attack, passed out. Managed to hit 911 before I did."

An alarmed expression passed over Malcolm's face. "You're okay?"

Gil nodded. "Mortified. I never had panic attacks before."

"What were you thinking about when it happened? I mean, earlier today."

"You."

Gil finally trained his eyes on the younger man, who all but flinched at the word.

"Thinking about me sent you to the hospital?"

Malcolm's eyes lost focus as he slumped into the couch, covering his face with a hand. 

"Not like that, Malcolm. Not that. I'm sorry. Can I explain?"

Gil shifted closer to the profiler, who nodded after a few moments.

"I was thinking about Jackie at first. I thought, some people don't even get one great love. What if you and I are meant to be? But what good is it if I don't remember you? Even getting to know you again, if those feelings emerged, it still won't be the same if I don't remember you. Then..."

Malcolm looked at Gil, mixed expressions crossing his face. Gil could see confusion, understanding, hope, even relief. Gil shifted slightly, fiddling with his watch.

"Dani suggested that it's psycho.... uh, something in my head that's making me block you out. I don't know what though."

Malcolm mulled that over, his mind racing. He wondered, could it simply be that? Gil had been married to Jackie for twenty years and had never shown any interest in anyone else, let alone a man. Gil's devotion to Jackie was astounding sometimes. He always seemed like one of those men who was all in when it came to his love. Oh how Malcolm craved that.

He glanced at the other man. It was clear now that he was struggling. He was so caught up in his own head that he didn't even notice. How could he be so selfish? This was the man he loved. 

"Gil, I'm so sorry. I feel like I've pushed all of this onto you. I can see that you're struggling." Malcolm dropped his head, ashamed.

Gil waved him off. "There's nothing to be sorry for. It's so frustrating to feel like a part of my life is missing. Like my mind took out a book chapter or something. If anything, I should feel like shit because you overdosed."

Malcolm's head popped up. "That wasn't because of you. Things have just been so crazy, I took them and didn't realize. The hospital psychiatrist determined that I wasn't suicidal. If they thought that, I don't think I'd be out of the hospital yet."

Silence stretched on between them, each man not really knowing what to say. Finally, Malcolm stood up.

"I guess I should go."

"Already?"

Bright looked back at Gil, confused. "You want me to stay?" He sounded incredulous. "Why? I would think the mere sight of me would cause you tremendous discomfort."

Gil seemed to struggle with his thoughts.

"Oh I get it," Malcolm said bitterly. "You just don't want to be alone and my company is your last option."

"No, that's not it," Gil started.

Malcolm gave him a look.

"Okay, it's not only that. What if I have another panic attack and fall again? I could hit my head this time."

Panic streaked across Bright's features. He dropped back onto the couch. "Okay, I'll stay for a while. We could watch something, I can get some takeout if you want."

Gil smiled, a genuine gesture. "That'd be nice."

Malcolm sat back on the couch. He didn't want to broach it but he was going to have to. "I will have to go home to sleep."

Gil went to speak but Malcolm raised up a hand to indicate that he wasn't finished. 

"I have night terrors, Gil. I sleep in restraints for my own protection."

Arroyo's eyes widened. He looked flummoxed. "Why?"

Malcolm shook his head in disbelief. "Hello? My father is the Surgeon. I called the cops on him. Everything I believed about him was a lie. I found a dead body in the basement. Or I thought it was a dead body."

Gil just stared at the younger man, his eyes full of feeling. "God. How long?"

Malcolm thought a few moments, wondering why Gil was even asking, but then he remembered Dani telling him that she told Gil to get to know Malcolm again. Bright realized he couldn't hold back information either. If Gil fell in love with him again, no matter how small a possibility that might be, he needed to know everything. Half-truths and straight out lies would be found out.

"Uh, well, I've been seeing a psychiatrist since my father was arrested. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, complex PTSD, night terrors...."

Gil was stunned. How could this man even crawl out of bed in the morning. Lesser men would have given up already.

"And you went to Harvard to be a profiler?"

Malcolm nodded, fiddling with his watch. "You came to my graduation. You gave me this watch," he informed the other man, holding out his wrist. "From you and Jackie."

Gil eyed the watch, thinking it was exactly what he'd give a kid on the occasion of graduating from Harvard.

"The first case I worked with you team on–"

"Carter Birkhead. I read the file."

"I told him that I betrayed my father and became a profiler so I could hunt down people like him."

Gil felt a new admiration for the younger man. He'd read all the files about the Surgeon, his victims, his eventual capture. He'd also read the files he and his team worked on with Malcolm. He'd read all the facts, but context like this was priceless. He shouldn't really be surprised. He trusted Dani and JT's judgment, he wouldn't have hired them otherwise.

He'd been reluctant when Dani suggested he get to know Malcolm again. He could admit, at least to himself, that he was scared. Scared that this man, the son of a prolific serial killer, would end up just like him.

Suddenly, Gil got a flash of something. He could see a curly haired man wearing a red sweater crouched down in front of a kid with brown hair. The man's voice seemed to echo as he told the boy "... because we're the same." A female voice called out, "Get him out of here." Then the man was hauled to his feet, a wide manic grin on his face, as the police led him out of his house. He could see a dark haired woman holding a blonde girl of about five. The kid looked to be ten or eleven. He looked confused, scared, lost. Then he saw his younger self crouch down by the kid, offering a candy. 

He was jolted back as Malcolm called his name.

"Gil, are you okay?"

Arroyo looked over at Bright, his face confused but also seeing things a little clearer.

"I gave you a candy."

"What?"

"When he was arrested. After he was taken away, I gave you a candy."

Hope surged up inside of Malcolm. "You remember that?" he asked, feeling tears come to his eyes.

Gil's eyes were all over the place. "I guess so. I was uh, just thinking about when Dani told me to get to know you again, and how I was afraid that you would be like your father."

Malcolm flinched hard.

"I don't.... For some reason, it flashed through my mind when he told you that you and he were the same. He was wearing a red sweater."

Malcolm let out a gasped breath. "Oh God, you remember it."

The older man nodded. "That's all I remember. But maybe it means it'll all come back to me in time."

Malcolm nodded, a genuine smile on his face. "I hope so."

Gil rubbed his hand over his face as he sat back on the couch. "Me too."


	7. Chapter 7

Gil sighed as he laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. A glance at the clock informed him it was 3:58 am. He was so goddamned tired. Not just tonight but it seems like he's been tired for so long.

Maybe he should just be honest with himself why he's not sleeping. It was Malcolm. Of course it was. But not him directly this time. It was that flash of memory he had. Why would he give the kid a candy? The boy saved his life and that's what he did? It didn't make any sense.

He flashed to his kitchen. Jackie was sitting across from him, resplendent in her favorite blouse, her hair in curls on top of her head. Her blue eyes were shiny, her face full of laughter. He remembered this. He didn't remember the little boy though. He knew this was Malcolm. 

He blinked rapidly to refocus his eyes and blink away the tears at the thought of his beloved wife. God, how he missed her. If anyone could make any kind of sense right now, it would be her. 

Deciding that he was overthinking things, he laid down and turned out the light. But he knew it was going to be a long night of not sleeping.

**

Jackie Arroyo frowned as she watched over her husband. She had been gone for nearly five years but she still looked out for him, even though there wasn't a whole lot she could do or influence on earth.

She still loved Gil, which is why seeing him like this pained her so much. She'd had a lot of good years with him but she knew, as soon as she met Malcolm Whitly, even though he was barely a teenager, that he would be the one to make Gil whole.

If only he'd get his head out of his ass and realize it.

And what was he thinking when he kissed Jessica Whitly, knowing how he felt about her son? Gil was never that kind of man. But, she thought, he was having difficulty coming to terms with his feelings, so projecting them onto a woman was easier. 

Jackie was proud of the man Gil was. She hadn't known him when he arrested the Surgeon but she was familiar with his nightmares that resulted from it. She'd held him many a night through it all. Never once had she contemplated leaving because his nightmares got to be too much.

Jackie sighed as she watched Gil toss and turn. She so wished she could help him through this but he could only help himself. He was accepting of pretty much anything but accepting that he loved this slip of a man, as damaged as he is, seemed almost too much.

Even though she didn't have a physical body anymore, Jackie wiped at her eyes. Old habits she supposed. It bothered her that she could do nothing to help Gil, but being in a higher realm, she wasn't allowed to interfere with free will. But oh how she wished she could talk to him, if only to make him see how happy Malcolm would make him.

"Jackie..."

The woman startled at her name. Her gaze shifted and now she saw Malcolm. She smiled at the sight of him. She was proud of him too. After his father's arrest, he could have self-destructed very easily, but he made a point to make something of himself, to prove that all Whitlys were not bad. He'd saved many lives.

"Jackie, I wish I could talk to you," Malcolm was saying once she refocused her attention.

"Me too, my sweetheart, me too."

Malcolm looked up, a curious look on his face. "I almost feel like you can hear me."

Jackie giggled. "I can."

Malcolm shook his head. "Anyways. I wish I could talk to you, although it would be pretty weird for me to talk to you, of all people, about Gil. I know you know that I've had feelings for him for years. I went away to Harvard to try to deal with it. But I would have never tried anything with him, Jackie, I hope you know that."

"I do know that. You always respected both of us."

Malcolm took a sip of water as Sunshine flew to sit on his shoulder. He tenderly caressed her feathers before speaking again.

"Why doesn't he remember me, Jackie? He remembers everyone else. I just don't get it."

"Have patience Malcolm. He will remember, when he accepts who he is."

Malcolm just looked up, Jackie feeling like he was looking straight at her. After a few minutes, he just nodded and lowered his head.

"Thank you Jackie. I know right now, Gil has the words, not the music."

"He'll have the music back, sweetie. Just have faith."

Malcolm smiled. "Just have faith."

Jackie startled. It was almost as if they'd had an actual conversation. "Oh my sweet boy, I love you so much. I know you'll take care of Gil, be the person he needs in his life. Let him take care of you too. Goodbye my sweetheart."

Malcolm shook his head, as if coming out of a trance. That was strange. Why did it feel like he just talked to Jackie? Weird.

With a sigh, Malcolm rose to his feet and gently put Sunshine back in her cage. He wandered to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. As he sipped, he wondered if he should try to sleep. Since Endicott, he'd slept even less than usual. He actually wanted to sleep but suspected he'd probably just lay awake all night, his mind on Gil.

It sucked that it seemed like his mind never stopped. Ativan had helped but he didn't like the aftereffects. When he was groggy, he couldn't do his job effectively. He'd oftentimes felt that profiling was the only thing he was good at but Gil had told him differently. Gil had always reminded him of his good qualities, even though Malcolm felt he had none.

Malcolm sighed as he went through the motions of getting ready for bed, eventually laying down with one wrist cuffed. He picked up his phone and went to the photo gallery, scrolling through his pictures of Gil. He smiled as he recalled the story behind each image.

He remembered the awkward hug Gil gave him after finding him back in the city. Then he thought of the embrace when Gil urged him to get out of New York after the man who killed Eve died. And before he knew it, he was crying. He laid his phone back down, uncuffed and wiped at his eyes but he only cried harder.

What if Gil never remembered him? Malcolm couldn't wrap his brain around that. Gil had been a constant in his life for some many years and the idea of not having him in his life, even if it was as a mentor and friend, was something he didn't know if he could ever accept. But, he supposed, better he be alive and not remember him than dead and in the ground.

With a glance at the clock, he was stunned to see that it was nearly 6 am, that he'd been awake and reminiscing for hours. Guess it was going to be another rough day, but since he was still off work and would continue to be for some time, he reached into his nightstand and pulled out an eye mask, (He really needed to invest in some curtains or something.), strapped himself in and at least tried to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only have a couple of chapters left after this one.


	8. Chapter 8

It was six hours later when Malcolm knocked on Gil's door. A minute later, a disheveled and clearly exhausted lieutenant answered the door. 

"Did you sleep at all?" Malcolm asked, concern bleeding through his words.

Gil gestured for the younger man to come in as he trudged back to the couch. Bright kept his eyes on Gil, waiting for an answer.

"Gil?"

"I fell asleep," his voice low and raspy, "Had a bad dream, couldn't get back to sleep."

"How long did you actually sleep," the profiler asked as he sunk into the couch opposite his mentor.

Gil thought for a few moments. "Maybe half an hour. I was too afraid to sleep. I woke up, couldn't breathe, had a fuckin' panic attack. I couldn't– I just–"

Malcolm quickly joined Gil on the couch, gently turning the man to face him, then he talked Gil through the breathing techniques he'd done with him before.

Finally Gil was able to take a breath as tears fell down his face. Malcolm didn't even think about it as he just reached up and used his thumbs to wipe the drops away. Gil sobbed a little more at the tender gesture, and for the first time, Gil could see the depth of Malcolm's feelings.

Gil cleared his throat as Malcolm's hands drifted away from the other man. "You really do care about me, don't you."

Malcolm's eyes met Gil's. "Yes, of course I do. I've already admitted that I love you. Just because you don't remember me doesn't make it any less true."

Arroyo's eyes were watery again but he had a small smile on his face. "I wish I remembered you."

Malcolm could hear longing in Gil's voice and smiled sadly as he moved back from him. Being so close just made him ache for what he might never have.

"Jackie would want you to be happy, Gil. I think she would be happy if we were together, but I won't pressure you. I'm sorry that I did in the past."

Gil leaned back on the couch, looking away. "I wish I would talk to her."

Bright let out a short laugh. "It's funny you should say that. Yesterday, I was thinking about you– big surprise– and Jackie and it was almost like I had a conversation with her. Almost like she was giving her approval for us to be happy together."

Gil's head turned sharply towards the younger man. "You felt like you talked to her?"

Bright nodded, expecting Gil to continue speaking but he didn't.

"Gil, you really need to sleep."

Arroyo looked panicked, "I can't–"

Malcolm put his hands up in a pacifying gesture. "I'll stay okay? Keep an eye on you. If it looks or sounds like you're having a nightmare or panic attack, I'll wake you okay?"

"You'll stay?" Gil's voice was small and vulnerable.

Bright nodded and stood up. He held out his hand to Gil, who took it after a few moments, allowing the younger man to lead him to his bedroom.

"I'll let you get undressed. I'll just be out there, okay?"

Gil looked at Malcolm, nodding silently.

"Should I leave the door open?"

"Yes, please. I won't feel like I'm alone if I can look out and see you."

Malcolm turned and left the room, going to settle on the couch. He heard Gil's voice again.

"Help yourself to anything in the fridge."

"Thanks," he called back, knowing he wouldn't eat anything though.

He scrolled through his phone again to pass some time, ignoring any calls that came in. Two from his mother, one from Dani and surprisingly, four from JT. With a sigh, he reluctantly texted his mother, who immediately called again. He couldn't ignore her now, but kept the conversation short after telling her that he was at Gil's so he could sleep. Then he messaged Dani and JT in a group text, catching them up on everything. They also let him know what was going on at the station. After an hour or so of texting, he put the phone down. 

Malcolm got up and grabbed a water from the fridge, sipping on it as he looked around. He'd always loved this house. It had hurt so bad when Gil banished him but he understood it now. He wandered around, glancing at pictures before sinking back into the couch again, burying his head in his hands, his elbows braced on his knees. 

It had been months now and Gil was no closer to remembering him than he was the day he woke up. He didn't want to accept that maybe he'd never remember him. How could he go through his life knowing the man he was in love with didn't know who he was?

It was ironic really, that Malcolm was the one staying with Gil to keep an eye on him, given the state of his own panic attacks. But he owed Gil for all the nights the older man stayed with him during his night terrors. He'd do anything for Gil, he'd made that clear.

No one knew the turmoil the profiler was in. Gil remembered everyone else. Hell, he even remembered Jessica now. But still not Malcolm. He was quickly losing hope that Gil would ever remember him. 

He heard rumblings coming from Gil's bedroom and stood, listening carefully. He heard Gil moaning, saying 'no' over and over, and it was clear he was thrashing about. Malcolm rushed to the room and stood just inside the door. His heart clenched at the sight of the older man. Bare-chested and covered in a thin layer of sweat. Malcolm needed to wake him up, he'd hurt himself like this if it continued on.

Mind made up, he cautiously sat on the side and deftly caught Gil's wrists, while calling out his name. 

"Gil, come on, wake up! Gil, please!"

Gil suddenly bolted up straight in the bed, nearly knocking Malcolm to the floor.

"Hey, it's me. You're okay, okay?"

"Malcolm?"

"Yeah," he nodded, even though it was dark in the room. 

Bright was taken aback as Gil surged forward and wrapped his arms around his neck. Malcolm quickly wrapped his arms around the other man. 

"Hey, you're okay. You're fine, okay? You're not alone."

It was several moments before the two parted each other's embrace. Gil reached over to flick on the lamp and turned back to look at Malcolm. 

"Kid."

Malcolm froze. "Gil?"

Gil reached out a shaky hand to cup Malcolm's cheek. Tears blurred the younger man's eyes as the feeling of hope bloomed in his chest.

"Hey kid."

Malcolm covered Gil's hand with his own as he let out a shaky breath. "You remember the music."

Gil nodded, a smile crossing his lips. Then he leaned in and pressed his lips against Malcolm's. Tears ran down Bright's face as he wrapped his arms around Gil again, sinking into the embrace.

"I love you Malcolm. I love you."

Malcolm chuckled through his tears. "I love you too Gil. So much."


	9. Chapter 9

Then he crushed his mouth back on Gil's, cupping his face as he ravaged the man who had stolen his heart. After a beat, Gil slid his arms around Malcolm, kissing him back just as hard.

"Mmm" "Hmmm"

The men started to grind together, both their erections filling out in record time. Gil slid his hands down and grabbed the younger man's ass, gripping him hard, making the man groan into his mouth. 

"God yes," Gil moaned, trailing his mouth down over Malcolm's neck, groaning as their clothed cocks rubbed together. He gasped as Malcolm pulled back and quickly disrobed, tossing it on the floor before reaching out and removing Gil's boxers. Then he climbed back onto Gil and reached down between them and held both their lengths in his hand, rubbing them together.

"God, Malcolm."

Gil rolled them over and paused to catch his breath, propping himself up on his elbows to look down at his younger lover. 

"Is this really happening?" he questioned.

"It has to be," Malcolm replied, reaching up to card a hand through Gil's hair. "I could never come up with a scenario this good."

Gil smiled, leaning down to kiss Malcolm softly before pulling back. "I fell in love with you a long time ago, Malcolm. I hope you don't ever doubt that."

Malcolm felt tingly and offered a heart-melting smile. Gil started leaving feather-light kisses all over Malcolm's face, neck and chest. He gripped the man's hands and interlocked their fingers, leaving a kiss on his knuckles. He lowered his head again to lave at Malcolm's nipples, drawing them into hard peaks, making the man moan and wriggle about.

"Mmm, someone's sensitive."

Malcolm chuckled. "Yeah, very." He drew Gil back up to look into his brown eyes, full-blown with lust. "I've wanted you for a long time. But I tried to bury my feelings, given how we met and our age difference. I tried to convince myself that pining from a distance was the thing for me. I never thought I'd have this chance with you."

Gil smiled, kissing his knuckles again. 

"But now, everything I've ever wanted is in such close reach. Here you are, offering me the key to heaven. Tell me, please, tell me this is real. I need to know if this is forever. I can't– I won't be able to handle it if this is just a fling to you... I know you said you love me but I guess I'm insecure."

Gil took Malcolm's mouth hard, plunging his tongue in. Malcolm felt like he was being devoured from the inside out.

"Oh Malcolm, I love you so much. Please believe that. I'd do anything for you. Anything."

Malcolm's eyes shone with unshed tears that he quickly blinked away. Gil loved him. Malcolm nodded.

"Make love to me."

Gil leaned down to kiss Malcolm with as much passion as he could muster. God, how he loved this man. He smiled. "I will make this so good for you, baby."

Malcolm smiled. "I know you will."

Gil kissed Malcolm's neck, inching his way down the man's throat, to his chest, where he again, sucked on the profiler's tender nipples. He stroked Malcolm's erection, drawing a shuddering breath out of the man.

Lower he went, until he was facing Malcolm's impressive erection. Without pause, he took the head into his mouth, sucking gently while fondling his balls. Gil slid his mouth down Malcolm's length, applying liberal suction until he felt his cock at the back of his mouth, nudging his throat. Taking a deep breath, he swallowed hard and took Bright's cock down his throat. 

Malcolm cried out at the incredible feeling. He'd never felt anything so good. Then Gil started to hum, the vibrations immediately making Malcolm lose control and he erupted in Gil's mouth. Arroyo took everything his lover had to offer before pulling off of him, licking his lips with a smirk on his face. He crawled back up the bed, kissing Malcolm on the mouth, allowing the man to taste himself.

"You taste good," Gil said softly, making Malcolm blush.

The lieutenant then rolled off away briefly, reaching into his night stand and coming back with a bottle of lube and a box of condoms. He gently stroked his erection as he tossed it on the bed.

"Move up, baby."

Malcolm scooted up the bed more, propping his head up on the pillow. Gil knelt at the end of the bed and parted Malcolm's thighs, seeing his spent cock and fine ass.

"God, you look gorgeous like this, Mal."

The man in question looked at his lover, who was still kneeling. Then he moved to lay on his stomach as he grabbed the bottle of lube, but he didn't plan on using it yet. He shifted up until he was right at the apex of Malcolm's thighs, lowering his head to mouth the man's balls. 

"Can you hold your legs up?"

Malcolm grabbed each of his legs under the knee and pulled them up, exposing his hole to Gil's gaze. 

"Oh yeah," Gil said before lowering his head again, his tongue trailing up the crack. He reached up and parted Malcolm's cheeks, then pushed his tongue in to touch the man's hole.

"Mmmyeah...."

Gil began to probe the pucker with his tongue, treating his tongue like a cock, thrusting it in and out, in and out. He repeated this several times, with Malcolm's dick starting to show interest in the activities again.

"Oh JESus!" Malcolm cried out, his legs shaking.

"Calm down, honey. I haven't even started yet."

Gil took the lubricant and liberally coated a finger. He pressed it gently against his lover's hole before it slid in to the second knuckle. Bright's moans spurring him on, Gil introduced a second lubed finger, scissoring the digits to loosen the muscles.

"Oh fuck, Gil, that feels so.... god... so fucking incredible!"

Gil smiled, adding a third lubed finger, pushing them in as far as he could get them. Pulling them out a few moments later, he grabbed the box of condoms, his hands shaking as he took one out. He couldn't believe he was going to fuck– no, make love– to Malcolm. He'd wanted him for so fucking long. He never thought this would happen.

Sheathing himself, he rubbed more lube onto his cock. Kneeling up between Malcolm's legs, he touched his hole with the head of his dick. Slowly, he began to push into Malcolm's ass, eyes rolling back at the tight heat surrounding him. Oh sweet Jesus, he thought.

"It burns," Malcolm called out.

"Been a long time?"

Malcolm nodded, but tried his best to relax, allowing Gil to slide the rest of the way in. He stayed still for several moments, letting his body get used to the feel of Malcolm's. 

"You can let your legs go now, I'll take care of the rest."

Gil leaned forward, wedging his arms under Malcolm's legs, then started to slowly pull out and push in, speeding up until he was nearly pounding his young lover, kissing him hard.

Malcolm was in heaven, or as close to it as he might ever get. Feeling Gil buried in his ass was incredible. As Arroyo began to thrust in and out of him, Malcolm felt a jolt when Gil was the deepest in him.

Malcolm's eyes rolled back as Gil fisted his renewed erection, his rhythm in sync with his thrusts. But Gil wasn't going to last too much longer, not when he was buried in the sweetest ass he'd ever touched. He sped up, pounding the younger man hard, until he was nearly sobbing in pleasure. 

"Please, make me come!" 

Gil directed his thrusts to hit Malcolm's prostate over and over until finally, Malcolm screamed out and erupted, his seed flowing over Gil's hand and onto his own stomach. 

"Grip me, Mal! Hard!"

Malcolm squeezed his muscles as hard as he could and a few seconds later, Gil bottomed out and came so hard he was dizzy. Several moments later, he pulled out of his lover and fell onto the bed beside him.

"Fuck!" Gil cried, "that was amazing!"

"Yeah it was," Malcolm replied, sated, tired, and happy. 

Malcolm turned his head to see Gil putting the condom in the trash can, before moving back to him. Gil draped an arm over Malcolm's stomach, laying his head on his shoulder. They were both too tired to move now, even to pull a blanket over them.

"I love you, Gil," Malcolm said as he closed his eyes.

Gil smiled tiredly. "I love you too, Malcolm. I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done. Not the best thing I've ever written but I liked the concept and went from there. I hope you liked reading it. Please leave me some comments!


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